your hands shake when you pass the sugar and the pictures you take always come out a little blurrier than you intend to 

 you like to watch people through the window and think about where they’ve been who they’ve loved why they hurt

your smoke swirls out words you tried to gather up the urge to speak a long time ago and you drink quick enough to never try again at all

there is a tombstone somewhere in a graveyard with somebody’s name on it and a familiar date

there is a flower planted in somebody’s backyard with the seeds of a memory known all too well

there is a handprint painted on too many bodies with blood everybody knows will never wash away

no wonder your hands shake

when he laughs at the dinner table your hands shake over a graveyard of lives you never lived

when somebody laughs outside your window you think about if they cry when they pick flowers and if it hurts as much to say goodnight

when you’re the only one laughing in the room, drunk and high and buried somewhere in a graveyard, you see the blood, its yours and its never coming out

no wonder your hands shake

no wonder you can’t eat without filling up your mouth, you’re only ever used to having someone else’s fingers shoving down your throat

no wonder you can never sleep without the sound of human breath, you’re only ever used to someone taking your relief to use it for your own

no wonder you can never go anywhere without having to catch your breath, you’re only ever used to holding yours so you don’t have to think about the hands of someone else

do they know that the grave is why your fingernails are so dead, do they know you dug yourself out of it with your bare limbs

do they know that picking flowers is like your salvation, do they know it makes you feel like your saving yourself all over again

do they know that hands are always the first sign for if somebody’s gonna hurt you, do they know that someone else’s put you in the ground, do they know that the last time you saw somebody’s hands up close, they were burying you alive

no wonder your hands shake

how else will you remember you’re not dead

 

Fair warning not ur typical insta caption so if ur gna complain abt wasted time plz just scroll further down 🙂 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 years ago on June 15th 2014 I decided life was no longer worth living. 3 years ago I decided that no sunset, no tree, no flower, no person could ever make me want to stay in a world where all I could find were reasons telling me to go. 3 years ago I attempted to kill myself for the first time, and 3 years ago, I also thankfully did not succeed. After a week in the psych ward and with a doctors all right, I was sent back into the world almost the same as I had been except for with one very important change having occurred within myself. I finally realized that there never would be a sunset or a tree or a flower or especially a person to make me want to stay, because that person would always have to come down to being myself. I finally realized that I did not want to die as I was nearly dead on the inside, but in fact, no, I wanted to live. Three years ago, I put a blade to my wrists to match all the other scars I put there just a few months earlier, but a week later, I decided that to me they were no longer scars, an ugly word, but instead they were stripes and I had earned them. And so I fought. And it fucking sucked. And it was hard. I wasn’t born a tiger, so I had to fight hard for these stripes. And so three years ago I sat on my bedroom floor as a freshman thinking I wasn’t even going to wake up the next morning to see the sunrise. But Three years later here I am walking into my last day of high school as a senior sure of the fact that I will be awake for a million more sunrises to come, and all I wanna say is for the love of god, hug your mother, tell the person you love that you love them, and for fucks sake, please remember, it may not get better but it sure as hell gets brighter and brighter
every day.
Thank you to everybody who has supported and helped me through every step of the way, and a big fuck you to all the others who tried stepping on my toes and called me weak. 🙂

i wish i could begin to explain everything it is i feel

for one its love

and a lot of resentment i think too. i see the flaws that we as a society deem its ok to glance over. i see the too drunk girl being taken advantage of i see a whole room of people who are just there to convince one another of something about themselves that they dont even know yet i see a human who i somehow want so badly to pick up and swaddle into this beautiful universe and say all the things i want so badly to say but in this universe the other person wants to hear them

i wonder if you can explain the feeling of being in love with a person who doesnt exist, as in their responses never mean what you are wanting them to mean, as in they r never thinking what you are wanting them to think, as in you’re a fun night not a whole life

my chest is heavy with the understanding of all that it as as it is now

i know everything is as it should be. very fragile pristine its as if we all exist as collection pieces in somebodys grandmas china drawer. i know that from here there is only progress, today i quite literally saw roads close off for me, and now there r only empty paths to replace them

i see an entire universe unknown to like so many people and its just.. never the same after because how do you go back

you dont

our love was soft n gentle n managed to make me shake like a leaf in january

our love was soft n gentle n massively fucked up n most likely 90% in my head

our love was not a love

a drug is a drug is a drug

i wanted to tell you how much i had to say but i also wanted to tell you how much i almost never wanna say it

 

4/15/17

i’m sad because i feel like i’ll never REALLY fit in 100% with anyone or anywhere and i’m sad because i think it’s so easy for people to think they love me in the moment and when the moment passes it was a dumb idea to even consider in the first place and i’m sad because i’m failing statistics but how do you explain the complete and utter lack of motivation surmising from the hatred and resentment and drudgery all existing in a building that seems like a 10 by 10 jail cell and also the entire world at the same time and im sad because everyone ive ever cared about has probably cared about 50 million other people more and im sad because all i really need is that one person and that one soul and one heart and one mind to link up to mine to make it feel like all the pain and tolerance and annoyances are worth it

i mean if i could just lay in bed with you heads aligned on the pillow & stare at the ceiling while you tell me about your life from beginning to end then i would take all the Friday night closing shifts in the world and i would readily accept the blurred line between friendship and parasitism i often notice and it would be okay that humans as a whole race were epically flawed because you were and are and always will be epically flawless and so im sad because you also were and are and always will be not mine

we’re in a large white bed with ruffled sheets and your hair is messy and the curtains are open ever so slightly where the sun rays hit half your face and make your eyes shine like two gems crafted by god himself and you’re laughing and i’m thinking about how much i love the sound of it and the dimples on your cheeks that come out and your head tilted back eyes closed mouth open

we’re in the kitchen of our shared apartment and you’re in a long shirt and underwear and you’re cooking something with your hair in a bun and your feet bare and i’m watching you as your face scrutinizes as you measure the exact amount of this spice and that herb and i’m thinking about how much i love the shape of your legs and the way your body seems so fragile yet so beautifully elegant and how your fingers feel so perfect wrapped in mine your feet so perfect intertwined with mine your lips so perfect just by themselves but probably even more perfect pressed against mine

we’re driving on the highway and it’s raining and i’ve had a bad day but you’re sitting next to me and your perfume smells like clean linen and the word soft and you’re too focused on flipping through the stations to notice i’m too focused on how much i love your hands as they delicately play themselves around in your lap when you’re bored and how indecisive you are even when it’s just the radio and the way you look at me from the corner of your eye even when you think i’m not looking which is especially funny because that’s the thing, i’m always looking

we’re hiking a mountain and we’re kissing under willow trees and we’re slow dancing drunk and we’re staying in bed and we’re organic grocery shopping and we’re growing vegetable gardens together and we’re picking up the kids from daycare and we’re fighting and we’re fucking and best of all we’re falling in love and we’re not stopping for a second to think about the real us that exist in the real universe where in real life we’re not anything at all and never will be

love you like last nights sex loves to leave a bloody masterpiece on my back but no signature to identify the artist by

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edit: this is so shitty why did i write this i may or may not have been under the influence sorry

the sand is falling fast in an hourglass that was never even turned over in the first place and this might be my way of telling you I love you

and somewhere somehow somebody is writing a message for a bottle is never going to reach shore somewhere somehow there’s a dance floor with no music, a cruise ship docked but never setting sail, a heart attack that doesn’t stop happening but that nobody really ever knew started either

somewhere somehow there is the sound of a cry in a silent room and that cry is suddenly somewhere somehow me becausee this might be my way of telling you i love you

and this might be what it’s gonna feel like when I write this poem and you don’t read it
this might be what it’s gonna feel like when your face is only ever something that I can see in my head but somehow I still see it everywhere
this might be what it’s gonna feel like when I rip my heart out of its rib cage and it’s still beating out your name
but what I know is that it’s been how long now and I have how little now and if only the world didn’t rattle with the turn of an hourglass
what I know is I’m here and you’re there and those are never gonna be the same places at the same time and speaking of time did I mention we’re running out
what I know is that I think I just told you that I love you but reading it is never the same as hearing it and you’re never gonna do that either

i read somewhere once that if you cry the first time you kiss them, it means they are the one Continue reading →

it’s difficult to describe how it feels to have molten gold in your veins

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-me, standing at the marble kitchen island stoned as fuck shoveling spoonfuls of reese’s puffs and almond milk into my mouth wondering how the fuck did it get to this

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