i wrote this in a far sadder chapter of my life please dont take any of this advice be bold be loud be obnoxiously there be loving be hateful be angry be happy be everything and anything you want to be everything and anything but all of what is written in this

i. lips are meant for kissing not for so much speech darling and until the words coming out of your mouth are just as beautiful as the love marks left on your neck the morning after your lover has gone there is no reason you should be doing anything but plumping and puckering plumping and puckering plumping and yes maybe you’re not talking all gibberish anymore but haven’t you learned by now that no one wants to listen to what you have to say unless its what they want to hear. and haven’t you learned most importantly that it never is what they want to hear

ii. stop telling them how much the room spins whey are in it with you. don’t you dare mention how your hands shake every time they are near because its like the only place they’re meant to be is resting on their lap. and please honey bite your tongue when their face is inches from yours and your mind is racing and you’re bubbling with poetry all about how your head belongs in one of two places, one being on their chest and one being in the toilet bowl as you spit out the last of the heart they tore apart and fed you. don’t listen as they spit out buts hows and ifs because their hands may be warm and their kisses could feel realer than your own existence but their eyes will always be as blank as the paper your best friend left on his pillow before he put a bullet right in the same spot that you are now aching to crack open

iii. when your teacher is screaming at you for not doing the homework you were assigned last week when the cute boy doesn’t notice the way you added a little bit more silver and a tiny pinch more gold to your eyelids after you heard him telling his friend how he only likes the most expensive things when your best friends start to talk about how healthy they’re getting together about how funny that time that ‘you had to be there’ was about how this is the happiest they’ve ever fucking been, hold yourself together baby. dont mention how the reason you couldn’t do your homework was because your mom left town again and the fridge only had sour milk and you still had to keep your baby brother from telling anyone about his tummy growling. don’t go out and buy yourself that new palette that the girl who is always being held uses, instead throw out every last silver and gold thing in your closet, wear all black, it doesn’t matter to him anyway and at least you’ll blend back into the lines you tried to cross. most of all push your tears back when you’re with your friends even though you know all the ‘we’s’ they are saying do not include a you even when you might as well have been another empty chair considering how easily they looked right past you especially after you see the matching outfits they’ve adorned that you never remember buying slip away to the bathroom blot your eyes fix your makeup. do not let them see you cry honey you don’t want to turn into the ‘we’re worried about you and we think you should talk to someone’ friend like the girl before you did now do you

iv. remember everything your mom taught you before the key to the liquor cabinet was hidden not for you and little john’s safety but instead for the safety of mommy dearest herself. before your mom’s sister used to have to drive down at 3 am and pry a broken bottle out of her bleeding hands while you were covering little johns eyes except this time it was only about his safety. remember that nobody likes a smart mouth nobody likes edgy nobody likes a mess because somebody always has to get dirty while cleaning up. remember your dance teacher telling you less is more when she snatched out the granola bar you were holding and replaced it with a bottle of water. remember all this honey fade away make yourself small water yourself down and maybe then nobody will ask about the scar on your tummy where doctors had to play ignorant and pretend the baby they were cutting out of you was there because you were a stupid messy too loud teen slut. not because moms ex boyfriend liked the way your skin was smoother and the way your ass was bigger. maybe nobody will ask why you cant shut up for more than two seconds and you won’t have to explain that if you are not laughing you will be crying. maybe nobody will ask why you look so dead because to them you almost will be