because heres the thing
i tried to call you, i tried to reach through a fucking telephone line that had stopped ringing a long time ago to tell you how much i fucking missed you
but the dial tone reminded me of when i would have to use a pillow to muffle the sound of myself falling for you and then all that kind of came out was hey im sad
hey im sad and you haven’t picked up your phone in 4 hours and im walking the streets i don’t know where i am how i got here where are you god damn it hey im sadit was kind of like watching myself walk into water with a heavy rock attached to me and not being able to stop myself
and this wasn’t just any water it was blood
it was my blood your blood her blood
there was so much fucking blood and then suddenly there wasn’t
because god it was so fucking pathetic
calling out your name into the dark like a scared child screaming for somebody to fucking save them
save them from this god awful reality of growing up
pathetic, cause see i wasn’t asking you to save me, was i
i wasn’t even asking you to love me
all i fucking wanted was for you to fuck me and fuck me you did but then but then but then
pandoras box you let your fucking curiosity get the best of you
and here we fucking are and you have already said the words
words that shaped themselves into a key that could open any box
no matter how damaged, burned, destroyed she was
and this wasn’t just sex anymore and oh baby it wasn’t even just a crush
and im calling again but this time the dial tone reminds me of the music they played the day my dad was covered with layer after layer of dirt
the dial tone reminds me of the flowers that wilted because my mother had become a breathing skeleton locked somewhere in her room and i said hey
hey
hey i just wanted to say that i fucking love you
that my chest is tearing apart and somethings burning somewhere and i can smell it or maybe thats me finally admitting that this time i want the door to stay closed for the whole night
and then she laughs in the background and a tv screen somewhere is playing an old movie
and the credits roll and the girl who played the whore turns out to have been me