im so sorry if you can relate to this im so sorry if you understand  (p.s. this was not written to be personal and it also might be triggering) (p.p.s. you are enough and you always will be so the end of the poem, if you relate to it, is a lie)

the day i lost my innocence the sun was shining and it smelled like everything good outside and the world outside was happy and there was probably someone feeling like they were at the highest point of their life and somebody had just gotten engaged to the person that made all the indecencies of the human race look okay and people were happy and the sky was still blue and the grass was still green and love existed and the world still continued to spin

i wonder how many people died that night i wonder how many lay on the bathroom floor looking for some of the pieces they lost or maybe that were taken from them i wonder whether someones heart exploded i wonder if the sky rained down with every last drop of hatred the heavens held for the earth that is now, i wonder how insignificant it was that that night a 6 year old girl was poisoned by the sweat of evil choked by words that would forever leave handprints around her throat destroyed by the hands of someone who only knew how to take and never how to love

that night words filled my ears that felt like the coldest december that chilled even the warmest parts of me and i think the threats he made dug their way under my skin to hide in places that i still haven’t been able to pull them out of and i think maybe he was a fortune teller because everything he said then is true now because he said i was dirty and he was right because even now i can stand in the shower for hours till my skin is red and raw and stretched but i still wont feel clean he said nobody would ever love me and he was right because my pillow is stained with tears for people who haven’t cried in years and the place where my heart should be is just a gaping hole since the last person i gave it to never returned it he said i was worthless and he was right because its been 6 years since he took from me last and i still haven’t found a reason to explain why i deserved it he said so much and the joker i am i tried to fool myself into thinking he was wrong i tried to pretend the scars i put in the places i could still sometimes feel him were just accidents i tried to make myself something i could never be but look

he said i was not enough he said i was never going to be and i guess he was right because look you ripped her dress off when you couldn’t mine because look he had to have both of us one to make him feel warm on the inside one to make him feel hot on the outside because look even my best friend has someone else on speed dial he was right i am dirty i am unlovable i am worthless i am the girl who’s always there but no one knows why i am your 2 am self esteem boost ill tell you all about how id rather listen to you talk about her than not talk to you at all ill tell you all the things about you that make my hands shake when it rains the way it did that night we kissed ill tell you everything and won’t ask for anything in return i am pathetic i am running out of excuses for myself running out of reasons for why i let myself be ripped apart and scavenged just for that idea of love they sell in the books i am a droplet in an ocean i am not mountains i am more like molehills i am little girl always i am not laughing at the joke i am the fucking punchline i am everything your parents hate i am everything your friends turn their eyes away from i am a naked body that you only ever want to look at in the dark i am six years old and he has taken everything from me and so i am not enough and i never will be